Here is the paragraph I'm entering:
I pried the last remnant of the hideous flagstone peace sign out of the wet Utah County clay and lugged it toward the far corner of the overgrown yard. Sure, I felt horrible about dismantling Annette’s landscaping masterpiece so soon after her death, but my inner Martha had gotten the better of me and that abomination simply had to go. The insides of my wrists started to burn like they’d been spritzed with acid. I looked down and found an army of fire ants infiltrating my pale blue garden gloves. I screamed, dropped the infested stone, and flung the hateful little beasts from my body, but it was too late. Dozens of tiny red welts rose from the tender flesh in a chorus of disapproval. Karma can be such a crazy bitch, leave it to her to take the dead hippie’s side.
What's wrong with it?
(Seriously...tell me. I can take it. I have no illusions of winning said competition, but if I could get some usefule tips from great writers, that would be sort of fantastic, you know?)
Nothing is wrong with the opening paragraph. It has great description and it provides interesting character insight. You write with a strong and distinctive voice.
ReplyDeleteI want to know more. I am sold.
Good job! No, great job!
I especially love that last line. If I were to offer criticism it might be to add more action and a bit less description. Maybe your narrator could be struggling under her heavy load and then feel the sting which causes her to drop the flagstone. Possibly even on her toe. That would make that great last line all the more punchy.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks for taking the time to visit my blog and extend your kind words about my piece. I've been at a low point with my writing this year so any encouragement is much appreciated.
This is a nice paragraph! I've put a few thoughts down below with the body of the text:
ReplyDeleteI pried the last remnant of the hideous flagstone peace sign out of the wet Utah County clay and lugged it toward the far corner of the overgrown yard you have a lot of adjectives in this first sentence, which made it clunky for me). Sure, I felt horrible about dismantling Annette’s landscaping masterpiece so soon after her death, but my inner Martha love this :) had gotten the better of me and that abomination nice voice here simply had to go. The insides of my wrists started to burn like they’d been spritzed with acid wow, what an interesting simile! It works here. I looked down and found an army of fire ants infiltrating my pale blue garden gloves. I screamed, dropped the infested stone, and flung the hateful little beasts from my body, but it was too late. Dozens of tiny red welts rose from the tender flesh in a chorus of disapproval. Karma can be such a crazy bitch, leave it to her to take the dead hippie’s side. GREAT end!
Overall, you've done really well with this. I would keep reading, for sure. I think you might want to watch your adjectives, though. Too many can overload your writing. You choose them well, though. I like the visuals you provide.
Hi L,
ReplyDeleteI don't think I count as a great writer, but what I will tell you is that I read your whole paragraph, I stopped, and I looked you up. Great voice. Maybe like one of the others said a touch clunky at the beginning, but excellent last sentence.
I don't stop reading very often.
Good luck,
Jo